Looking at a beautiful family picture, large smiles and bright eyes. Both parents, three children as we build our future with our family as one. Doesn’t it sound nice? Growing up I wanted what my grandparents had, a lifetime of togetherness, love a house full of children, grandchildren, yard parties, and church gatherings. I can’t forget about a house fill with love, laughter and joy on the holidays. Those fishing trips that turned into fish fries in California. Being able to be my grandfathers’ baby, shopping cart races, road trips. I wanted the picture that I saw as a child ever so perfect. So naive, unbeknownst to me, my grandmothers seemingly happy on the outside were living in there own personal Hell. Imagine that; those perfect smiles hid sadness, pain, abuse, neglect and unfulfillment. Those loving hands expressed the affection they yearned for & those beautiful voices uttered sweet, caring words given to them by The Source to guide, confirm, or encourage others on their journeys. I couldn’t hear their screams or even see their pain behind their eyes but I’m sure it was louder when they were alone. ” I’m unhappy, unloved, misused, mistreated, and failed”. My grandmothers raised me throughout these feelings, strong melanin filled women still fighting their personal war- internal warfare but the picture was perfect. If my grandmothers would’ve shared the true feelings behind their eyes, or explain the woes they faced I would’ve changed my disoriented view of what love was. Looking for forever in a person when it truly begins with me. If I knew then what I know now that the picture looked perfect but it would cost me my self esteem, dignity, my happiness, my ability to live in my TRUTH I would’ve taken multiple steps back; the picture wasn’t that perfect to give me away. I needed the truest love of them all, that Julia love, you not gon’ look out for me like me type of love, that self care, baby I always got us type of love. In that moment, at the age of twenty seven, I decided to stop looking at society’s views, my family or friends and live to do me and the picture may not look perfect to you but your view is obscured.
Picture Perfect
